day 85: practicing gratitude

first of all, the stats from the last few days. (google reader people, i hear you can't see these, so hop on the real website if you want to see them! they're kind of awesome charts):









second of all:

on my run tonight, i just kept thinking about what a different person i am from the beginning of this summer. sure, i went crazy for at least a month or two, almost destroyed my body a little by pushing way too hard, didn't eat enough etc. etc., but i'm so proud of all that i've accomplished.

i don't know, maybe proud isn't the right word. maybe it's gratitude?

i can see my collarbones, i discovered that i have a dimple! one! on my left side, nothing on the right. which...i don't know if i just wasn't fit enough to notice it before or what but it's definitely new. i sleep better, i'm always eating better even when i'm eating horribly and amidst lots of stress and change i am cool as a cucumber because i feel so grounded.

i really and truly believe in the power of exercise to change people, to change the way we see ourselves, to edit in our minds the limitations we think we have, the problems we see ourselves needing to work on.

until now, exercise has been something that's been mostly bad for me. it's been obsessive, unrewarding, unrelenting and unforgiving. it's been the thing that makes a bad day worse, that perpetuates a bad self belief, that causes me to go even further inside myself when i don't feel like crawling out.

and this summer, yes, of course i had to get kind of obsessive about it and yes maybe i still am a little bit, but even if i'm not the fittest i've ever been, i'm definitely the healthiest i've ever been.

over and over and over this last month, i've been able to see so much goodness around me. my friends cheering me along, supporting me and one another even when it's difficult, my family coming together in ways i didn't expect. and at work, where things have been changing a lot, i've seen people go to bat for me again and again with the kind of confidence that i've never been able to recognize in others, let alone feel for myself.

tonight as my feet pounded the pavement, i was slow and dehydrated and hadn't given myself enough time to digest dinner, but i was so happy because it was time that i got to myself by myself, time to recognize all of the things that are blooming around me.

and all of the work i've put into this, all of the constant effort and trusting and asking and hoping, all of that energy was, i swear to god, only there because i was running again, because i saw myself getting faster and stronger in a way i never could at school because i wasn't actually allowing myself to train like people do. i was a slave driver to my body back then, and all i needed to do was give myself a break.

i just needed to keep running.

so i am. and i'll be running a 10k in a little over four weeks. so i'm going to try to keep up with the blogging, at least to post exercise. i think i might post what i eat, too, although i'm not sure i'll have time to count calories and all that again. at least not out loud?

thank you all for a wonderful, beautiful, happy summer. i promise i'll be less sappy next time. kthxbye.

<3,
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