today is one of those days that i'm really grateful for. despite having had two days off this week, it's been a ridiculously stressful one. work has been insanely busy and somewhat high-stakes lately, and even my day off felt somehow marked by the gloominess of work stress. additionally, i've been busy! good busy, happy busy, but busy. and when you somehow have to fit in a run every single night and eat well so you don't have to tell your bloggers that you ate an entire box of thin mints in one setting, a lot of your time goes into making sure that you don't eat the things that will show up on your thighs later.
but today was beautiful and inspiring and lovely, if a little boring (all day meeting). but then i got to sit out by the lake with liz!!!! who is one of my two best friends that was gone for a year (gr) but is now back (yay). and it was nice to sit there and watch people running by and know that i'm one of them. i'm not the same person that is scared of food.
which brings me to my next topic: secret eating.
when i was little, i was often encouraged to clean my plate, as we all are. lucky for me, i grew up in a very, very italian family with grandparents with accents and an inability to hear the words "no, thank you, i'm full" and "no, grandpa, i'm not on a diet, i just don't want my stomach to explode" and, "but, grandma, i ate two pieces of chicken already." in their world, if you refuse food, you refuse love. and for good reason, because have you had authentic italian food? yum.
in other realms of my life, too, food was always something to conquer. i had to eat the entirety of the adult meal i ordered at a restaurant to please whoever bought it, i needed to eat an entire bag of macintosh apples because they were fresh from the tree, i had to eat the leftovers before someone else got to them etc. etc. etc.
of course, most of this was in my head. but it stayed there for way too long.
as soon as i was old enough to see how big i was getting (let's say eight years old), i started to feel a little bit ashamed about how i ate, what i ate and everything surrounding that. it got worse in middle school and high school and especially when i had a car and could take secret study breaks to go buy something terrible for me and eat it in one sitting. that's the thing about over-eating: you assume that you shouldn't eat something, so you need to eat all of it to start fresh tomorrow. which of course doesn't make any sense, and we know that, but continue to to do it. in college, stress eating was the way i handled a lot of things after freshman year, hence the weight gain, the increasingly awful mood, the decrease in sociability...when i was unhappy, i was off on my own eating. and none of my friends had a clue.
even now, all the remnants are there. if i eat too much, no one will know. if i eat something unhealthy, i won't tell a soul i don't know intimately. for the most part, i'm better about the secret eating thing, because i realize how much it's a cycle:
1) eat something awful
2) feel bad about eating awful things
3) hide it
4) feel bad about hiding it
1) eat something awful
etc. etc.
i could go on and on, give you specifics about my sometimes terrible eating habits, but for the most part, i know better now. still, i think this is important background information to understand what a big step it is for me to write down everything i eat and post it somewhere.
and part of that thing that i do each week that we call baking deliciousness? that's to prove to myself that i can have whatever i want in the house and i don't have to eat it all or be afraid of eating it all. sometimes i fail, but most of the time i succeed. and i have strawberry tart to share with all my visitors.
alright. onward to the facts for the day.
food
two clementines: 70c, 1p, 3f
peach yogurt: 150c, 6p, 1f
1/4c granola (generic): 125c, 3p, 2.5f
1/4c blueberries: 21c, 0p, 1f
turkey burger: 150c, 22p, 0f
bun: 120c, 4p, 1f
1/2c composed salad: 95c, 2p, 1f
sun chips: 140c, 2p, 3f
asparagus with tarragon browned butter: 60c, 2.5p, 2.5f
chicken with goat cheese and onions: 274c, 39p, 2f
totals: 1205c, 81.5p, 17f
exercise
30 min running: 389c
net: 816
...which means that i need to eat some strawberry tart..
so add: strawberry almond tart: 235c, 4p, 2.5f
totals: 1440c, 85.5p, 19.5f
net: 1051
..better.
also, tomorrow i have the day off. i'm going to go on a long bike ride, get my hair cut, get my car detailed, do an hour of yoga, go for a run and...conquer the world.
thanks for being on the other side of my screen.
<3
PS i signed up for a 10k! july 9. anyone wanna run it with me??
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